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Pop Thursday – Fake News Story

June 2, 2011

It’s pop Thursday over here at Premise PUNCH Tag, and you know what that means….

Everybody gets to have a pop.

I would think that’s fairly self-explanatory.

Today I am slugging back a delicious A&W Root Beer.

Frosty mug optional, but recommended.

It is my favourite of the root beers, though on occasion I’ll choke back a Hires when there is no one around.

Since Pop Thursday is all about fun, here is a humorous article I wrote for some applications to write for fake news sites like The Onion.  It touches on a frustration I think all comics have to deal with at one time or another.

Middle-Aged Suburbanite Suspects He is Funnier Than You

By Joel Buxton

SCARBOROUGH, CANADA – Suburbanite Russ Morry shocked the world today with the formal announcement of a long-held belief that he has “more laughs in his left pinky” than most stand-up comedians.

“Any entertainer, really,” confessed the 36 year-old father of three, who went on to lament the industry’s steady decline in quality. “When I was younger, comedy was actually funny,” confessed Morry during an exclusive interview in his Scarborough duplex. “Gallagher, Howie Mandell, The Ernest Films, that stuff was just classic. I don’t know what happened.”

Morry has always considered himself a member of the “funny-elite,” producing several humorous articles for his high-school paper, “The Recess Bell,” and squeezing in at least three improv classes during his college-level business training.
“I was a great improviser, but people didn’t get me,” explained Morry, a long sufferer of clueless contemporaries. “I would just kill these scenes, but nobody was smart enough to laugh properly. I’m talking choice bits, like acting retarded, or doing an accent,” continued Morry, name-checking his traditional style of pointing out racial differences. “I had a black friend of a friend who would do this thing with his lips, and I thought that was so funny. I’d do it onstage using this perfect Jamaican accent I learned from Disney`s ‘Cool Runnings.’ But people just weren’t ready for that kind of real.”

Morry’s wife Agatha confirmed her loving husband’s spot-on humour content and delivery, citing examples of numerous fund-raising dinners, where her gregarious partner often becomes the centre of attention. “He just gets going, and people love it. They back away to give him room,” gushed Agatha. “When he gets into his Pakistani cab driver impression, people go ballistic. Not laughing out loud, of course, but who does that anymore? I’ve seen people leave the party, they are trying so hard not to crack a smile.”

Unfortunately, like many frustrated geniuses, fate had its own plans for Russ Morry. Burdened with a mortgage, four dependents, plus a moderately-sized rabbit named “The Bun,” it is unlikely that Morry will have an opportunity to confirm his suspicion that he is, in fact, superior to most professional entertainers.

However, Morry will still offer advice to comedians when necessary. “Sometimes I’ll be at a stand-up show and think, ‘This is not funny.’ And I don’t have time to stick around and give notes after, so I’ll just yell out whether the guy stinks or not,” mused Morry, in regards to his mentoring process. “Sometimes the comics will show their gratitude by pretending to get mad, but it’s all an act for the rabble. It’s all part of the biz.”

These days, Morry is focusing on his short game in the sport of golf, which is “actually pretty hard compared to being hilarious,” and climbing the ladder at his workplace, a customer feedback reporting firm. “Sure, I think of great bits all the time,” admitted Morry. “Just yesterday I thought of changing the lyrics of that Justin Bieber song ‘Baby, Baby,’ to ‘Rabies, Rabies.’ But these days I’m mostly about spotting flaws in other performers, and making generalized, negative comments. It feels good to give back to my peers.”

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